Stop Saying "Gaslighting"
Because it's usually not... and even if it is, there are more effective ways to address it.
Gaslighting has gone mainstream—it's a word that gets thrown around anytime someone feels dismissed, invalidated, or manipulated. But here’s the thing: true gaslighting is an intentional strategy to make someone doubt their reality. It’s calculated. It’s persistent. It’s about control.
But what happens when someone isn’t consciously trying to distort reality, yet their behavior still leaves their partner feeling confused, unheard, or even “crazy”? That’s where defensiveness and stonewalling come in.
I’ve heard this referred to as accidental gaslighting—not because it’s true gaslighting, but because it can feel like it. If your partner constantly denies things, dodges accountability, or shuts down, it can make you question yourself. The difference? Intent.
Let’s break it down.
Defensiveness vs. Gaslighting vs. Stonewalling
💡 Gaslighting
Intentional? Yes ✅
Impact on Partner: Makes them doubt their own reality
Emotional Function: Control & manipulation
Our Perspective: Psychological abuse
💡 Defensiveness
Intentional? No ❌
Impact on Partner: Makes them feel dismissed or "crazy"
Emotional Function: Self-protection
Our Perspective: One of Gottman’s Four Horsemen (relationship poison)
💡 Stonewalling
Intentional? No ❌
Impact on Partner: Makes them feel abandoned & unheard
Emotional Function: Overwhelm & shutdown
Our Perspective: One of Gottman’s Four Horsemen (relationship poison)
Defensiveness: The Slippery Slope
Defensiveness is an instinctive reaction to perceived attack. It shows up as:
Counterattacks: “Well, you do that too!”
Excuses: “I didn’t mean it that way!”
Denial: “That’s not what happened!”
Victimhood: “Why are you always mad at me?”
When a partner gets defensive, it derails the conversation. The person bringing up an issue is left feeling like a villain for even mentioning it. Over time, this can create a gaslighting-like effect—not because the defensive partner is trying to manipulate, but because their refusal to engage makes the other person question whether their concerns are valid.
Stonewalling: When the Wall Goes Up
Stonewalling is when one partner completely shuts down and refuses to engage. It looks like:
Minimal or no responses
Changing the subject
Walking away mid-conversation
Giving one-word answers (“I don’t know,” “whatever”)
Unlike gaslighting or even defensiveness, stonewalling isn’t about winning—it’s about escaping. It often happens when someone is emotionally overwhelmed and physiologically flooded (heart rate spikes, stress hormones surge). The problem? It leaves the other partner feeling abandoned and unimportant.
The Silent Treatment vs. Stonewalling: Intent Matters
A key distinction needs to be made: not all silent treatment is stonewalling.
Stonewalling is an involuntary shutdown caused by emotional overwhelm.
The silent treatment (when used punitively) is a control tactic designed to punish or manipulate.
Stonewalling happens when someone can’t engage. The silent treatment happens when someone chooses to withdraw affection or conversation to punish their partner. The difference is crucial because stonewalling can be repaired with self-soothing and communication, while silent treatment is an unhealthy power play.
How Defensiveness and Stonewalling “Accidentally Gaslight”
Neither defensiveness nor stonewalling intentionally distort reality, but both can make a partner feel like:
They’re overreacting
Their perspective doesn’t matter
They can’t trust their memory of events
There’s no point in bringing things up
That’s why these behaviors can mimic gaslighting in effect—though not in intent.
💡 We strongly encourage folks to avoid labels such as “gaslighting” and instead describe their own needs, feelings, and experiences when discussing important issues.
Relationship Homework: How to Fix It
For Defensiveness: Try the “Take-Two” Strategy
When you catch yourself getting defensive, pause and say,
“Wait, let me try that again.”Instead of reacting, validate first:
“I hear you. That makes sense. Let’s figure this out together.”Replace excuses with accountability:
Instead of “I didn’t mean it that way,” try “I see how that came across. I’m sorry.”
For Stonewalling: Use a 30-Minute Break
If you feel yourself shutting down, say:
“I need a break, but I’ll come back in 30 minutes.”Actually take that time to calm your nervous system—walk, breathe, do yoga, listen to music.
Return to the conversation with curiosity, not avoidance.
For the Partner on the Receiving End: Shift the Approach
If your partner gets defensive, try softening the start:
Instead of “You never listen,” try “Hey, I need to talk about something that’s been bothering me.”If your partner stonewalls, avoid chasing. Give them space but set a return time for the conversation.
Final Thought: Gaslighting is About Intentional Manipulation and Control. Defensiveness & Stonewalling Are Natural Responses to Feeling Attacked (but still need to be addressed).
If someone is intentionally manipulating you, that’s a serious issue. Please seek professional assistance if you suspect this is the case. But if what’s happening is knee-jerk defensiveness or emotional shutdown, that’s relationship repair territory. Understanding the difference can help us respond more effectively—and stop accidental reality invalidation before it spirals.
